


Bedrooms in Brothels

by knightshade



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M, Goa'uld Predilections, Humor, Jack Snark, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 07:53:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3015071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightshade/pseuds/knightshade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The team stumbles on an abandoned Goa’uld 'establishment'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bedrooms in Brothels

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers: I don’t own them. I like to think this qualifies as fair use, but that’s as yet to be proven in court. In the meantime, MGM and Gekko are the rightful owners, I’m just playing. No infringement is intended.
> 
> Author’s Notes: This is written for the Live Journal 10_cliche_fics Smut table, ‘Where did you get that?’ prompt. It's only Sam/Jack in the most tertiary of ways, but since my pairing for that prompt was Sam/Jack, it's kind of in there. 
> 
> This was originally posted on LJ.

**Bedrooms in Brothels**

Not surprisingly, Daniel saw it first. It was his job to look at the symbols closely, always trying to determine a language or a point of reference. He looked at symbols while the rest of them looked for trouble. But this time he was the one who stopped dead in his tracks.

 

Jack wasn’t far behind. “Whoa!” He glanced around at the rest of the team. Teal’c didn’t even flinch, of course, but Carter was looking at the wall, a grin and a slight flush on her cheeks.

 

“This is…interesting,” Jack said.

 

Daniel turned to the rest of the team. “I…uh…think these would be, um…fertility carvings, probably.” There was an awkward tilt to his head and he held up his hand, pointing back over his shoulder before letting it fall awkwardly to his side.

 

“I didn’t need a linguist to translate that for me, Daniel. I got that far on my own,” Jack said, stepping a little closer to get a better look. At first glance it was a typical Goa’uld wall covered with symbols embossed in gold. But after a second look, it was obvious that instead of writing, this wall was decorated with a very intricate and large carving of a tree. On the third look, Jack had realized that adorning the branches were phallic symbols of every shape and size. “Look, kids, it’s the Washington monument,” Jack said with a snicker. Then he blinked. “Oh, and female phallic symbols too.”

 

“Yonic symbols, Jack,” Daniel said, touching the carving and glancing upwards at nearly two stories of sexual images.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Yonic. It’s the female equivalent of phallic.”

 

“Oh. You learn something new every day, huh kids?” Jack took a step back to admire the gold carving. Underneath the tree were figures copulating in every position Jack imagine and then some. “So is there anything else you can tell us, Daniel?”

 

“Well, the wording at the bottom of the tree is Goa’uld. But I’m not sure I understand this phrase exactly. Teal’c?”

 

The Jaffa tilted his head down and then stiffened. “You do not want to know, Dr. Jackson,” he said, sending grins around the room.

 

“So it is some sort of fertility carving?” Daniel asked.

 

“The Goa’uld do not reproduce in this manner. Fertility rites would be unnecessary.”

 

“So, basically hedonism, then,” Daniel said and got a solemn nod in return. “Well, we know they had the equivalent of opium dens, maybe we’ve stumbled onto a Goa’uld brothel.”

 

“A scary thought,” Jack said, taking a few steps back. “So what do you say, Teal’c? Are our Goa’uld friends the frisky types?”

 

“If such establishments existed, they were not known among the Jaffa.”

 

“Probably didn’t want you getting any ideas.” Jack turned to the line of doors along the hallway. “So what do you say we explore a little? The MALP didn’t detect any signs of life and this place is practically covered in dust. If it was a brothel it seems to have gone out of business.”

 

They fanned out and cautiously approached the doors, each picking one. Leading with his P-90, Jack pushed into a room to find that it was deserted. He lowered the gun and ventured in further. The room was small with a round bed in the center covered in luxurious but dusty bed covers. The walls were draped with curtains in rich reds and golds, and there were more sexual carvings on a gold plate hanging over the bed. At least it wasn’t a mirror, Jack thought, eyeing it dubiously.

 

“Nice,” Carter said from the doorway.

 

He turned sharply and then shrugged. “Guess the Goa’uld know how to show a lady a good time.”

 

“Somehow, I doubt that, sir.”

 

“You and me both.” Jack approached a small bureau on the far side of the room. Pulling open the drawer, he glanced at the contents, and immediately wished he hadn’t let curiosity get the best of him. “Oh, I didn’t need to see that.”

 

“What?” Carter asked, but didn’t venture any closer.

 

“I’m guessing, maybe Goa’uld sex toys.”

 

Carter stared at him a mixture of surprise and curiosity painted across her face. “You’re kidding?”

 

“Oh, I wish. I’m pretty sure that’s what they are.”

 

Carter just raised an eyebrow. “Their hosts are human. They can’t be _that_ different from human sex toys.” Then she looked somewhat horror-stricken. “Can they?”

 

“Oh, I don’t know,” he said staring down at the assortment of very alien looking devices. Pulling a tissue out of his pocket, Jack used it to pick up a rubbery phallus wrapped in gold straps and sporting a gem at the tip. It reminded Jack of a hand weapon. He held it up for Carter’s analysis.

 

“Oh!” She stared at it a minute. “You don’t think it’s …” she trailed off.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

She raised an eyebrow in a very good impression of Teal’c. “The hand device is a weapon…”

 

Jack just shrugged, not saying that it wouldn’t surprise him to find out that the Goa’uld were into S&M. Not in the least. “And that’s not even the most interesting item in the drawer.” Jack pondered the stash. “And by interesting, I mean really, really disturbing.”

 

“I think I’ve seen enough, sir.”

 

“Yep. Me too.” He gave the drawer a firm push shut. “Maybe we should leave this all to Daniel to study.”

 

“Sounds like a good idea, Colonel.”

 

Jack glanced her direction and then feigned complete innocence. “Of course, if you were interested, Carter, we could always-“

 

“No, sir!” she said, shuddering slightly.

 

Jack gave her a look he hoped was indignant. “What? You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

 

“I didn’t need a linguist to translate that for me, either sir.” She gave him a pointed look before leading the way back out into the hallway. “I got that far on my own.”

 

\----------------

-knightshade

March 18, 2007

 

 

 

 


End file.
